The Goblin King offers his opinion on
by Temporal Austenite
Summary: Just what the title says. This is the Goblin King's opinion on many things. Please R&R! If you have a topic on which you want Jareth's Opinion, please ask! New Chapter up!
1. Chapter 1

**The goblin king offers his opinion on…**

**Driving**

Speed limits and driving laws are things that happen to other people

**Marriages**

I've only gotten married once. I'm not an expert on the subject, such as, say, Brittany Spears.

**Music**

No others can stand up against my own music. Unless it's David Bowie, who comes surprisingly close.

**Mistakes**

Again, those happen to other people.

**Children**

Somehow, they are always better as goblins.

**Elves**

Conceited idiots.

**Books**

There is only one worth while.

**Goblins**

Rather disgusting, ugly creatures.

**Monologues**

I don't care what you say, I let her win. The monologue did nothing to me.

**Gifts**

Never ask for one from a goblin.

**Clothing**

The tighter, the better, the lower cut, the better, the more leather, the better…

**Musicals**

On Broadway, or off Broadway, they are still the most amusing things I've seen yet, especially Phantom of the Opera.

**Spying**

"It's such an ugly word, don't you think?"

**Education**

Hopefully it's more promising than the Goblin Literacy Program. 'G-O-B'. Ugh.

**Government**

There is only one true and rightful government. One with me as king.

**Hats**

I have no clue why they were invented. I shall never need to wear one.

**The Environment**

I'm doing my part to save the environment. I'm letting Nat have all the gasoline he can drink.

**Parents**

Such dreadful things. Always teach their children to respect their younger siblings. They're just awful really.

**Profanity**

I myself don't go much further than, 'Your Mother is a Fraggin' Advark', but if I did it would sound amazing coming from my mouth.

**Teens**

Such frightfully amusing creatures. Always wanting one thing that they really shouldn't want, and they're always so disappointed when they get it.

**Beauty**

Only the shallow do not judge by looks.

**Dancing**

Besides singing, it is the only real use of one's time.

**Art**

I am like a piece of artwork my self.

He's certainly a piece of something.

**Time**

Just like the world, it is in the palm of my hands. And Katherine is wrong. I control the time.

**Well? Laugh!**

*****with quotes from Anti-Sarah


	2. Chapter 2

Just for fun Clarification…

Katherine, referred to in the first _Goblin King offers his Opinion_, is a close and dear friend. She believes, however, that the goblin king just turns the hands of the clock.

Oh, and this time I decided to tell you the conversation before he gives me the answer…

_**The goblin King offers his opinion on…**_

"_what is going on exactly?"_

"_Er…"_

"_What am I offering my opinion on?"_

"_Er…"_

"_What is that paper you have in your hands?"_

"_Er…"_

"_Hand it over! I command you!"_

"_Ah…"_

"_What are 'Fangirls'?"_

"_There's the right sort of question!"_

"_And what's the right sort of answer?"_

"_Well… they're these girls see. Right. Got that? And they're fans…"_

"_Yes, I could figure that out for myself, thank you very much."_

"_Er. Right. Yes. Well, you see…" Pause. "It might be easier to show you."_

_*_Sound of computer whirring to life-yes, my computer whirrs to life, got a problem with that? I think it's rather healthy, too, letting me know it's alive-and then 'You've got mail!"*

"_Where?"_

"_E-mail. Er. Electronic mail. Um. A letter sent from computer to computer, see? Over the web."_

"_What web? I don't see any spiders."_

"_Er. Right. Internet."_

"_What are you doing to a net?"_

"_Never mind. You'll pick it up as you go along, alright?" _*clicking on favorite website*

"_What is this?"_

"_This"_*Said with reverence* _"Is Fanfiction. It is the most useful site for fangirls."_

"_What does that mean?"_

"_It'd be better if you read it…" _

"_Who is this Goblindreamer person?"_

"_Er…"_

"_is she a fangirl?"_

"_Well…"_

"_What is this?"_

"_It's, well, it's a story…"_

"_Am I supposed to read it?"_

*Miserably* _"You should read some really good ones first…"_

"_Who is Dirk Gently? And why is he at my labyrinth?"_

"_It's a story, Your Majesty…"_

"_Bad hair day! Two year old make-up artist?"_

"_That's how Dirk Gently thinks."_

"_He got my name wrong! How dare he!"_

"_He got Dirk's name wrong too. That's Zaphod's way, Goblin King…"_

"_Hogwart disobeyed me! How dare he!"_

"_Yes, sire, I know…"_

"_I demand to meet this Goblindreamer!"_

*Despondently* _"Hallo Sire…"_

"_You're her?"_

"_Yes Sire…"_

"_What else have you written about me?"_

"_Not just you sire. Sarah too, and Nat…"_

"_Who's he?"_

"_I named one of your goblins, sire…"_

"_Why in the name of the Labyrinth would you do something as stupid as that?"_

"_Dunno sire…"_

"_Let me read these stories!"_

"_Yes sire…"_

"_What's this one?"_

"_Of Leather Jackets Sire…"_

"_Sarah's in this one?"_

"_She's in most of them Sire…"_

*Goblin King reads a few pages in*_ "She missed me?"_

"_The way I write it she did. I can show you one where she absolutely hates you sire. And your-"_

"_DRUGGED PEACHES?"_

"_Yes sire."_

"_Drugged?"_

"_Magically Charged Peaches doesn't have the same ring, sire…"_

*More reading*

"_Nine hundred forty eight? Really?"_

"_You seem like an entity with more than one age's wisdom sire…"_ *Correcting self in head _pompousness…_*

"_Vonderful?"_

"_Yes sire…"_

*Pause for reading*

"_Angsty?"_

"_Yes sire…"_

"_I'm beginning to like this Lilly."_

*Another pause*

"_I wear tight leather jackets?"_

"_In this story sire…"_

"_There are more?"_

"_Yes sire."_

"_And this is what Fangirls do all day? Write stories about Sarah and I?"_

"_Not all day. We do need time to watch the movie. Look, can you just tell me what you think about these subjects?"_

"_Of course Fanciful child."_

*Resisting urge to slap him*

_**The Goblin King Offers His Opinion on…**_

_**Anthropology**_

Normally I do not have to worry about this because there is no such thing as Goblinpology.

_**Fangirls Who Obsess over him**_

Fanciful amusing girls, with apparently too much time on their hands.

_**Fangirls Who Have No Clue Who He is**_

I find it impossible to believe there are people out there who haven't heard of me, to be honest. Mayhap they were locked in some sort of facility?

_**Glitter**_

While it looks marvelous on me, it is a generally tacky thing for anything to wear. Especially Goblins.

_**Iron Skillets**_

Those are a cooking implement that I do not need to deal with, as I am a king, and have servants for that sort of thing.

_**Sarah With an Iron Skillet**_

A slightly frightening thought, I must admit. Still, she might have the appearance of a Celtic War Priestess.

_**Sylistra The Scholar**_

Amusing writer, with the intelligence to ask for my opinion.

_**Goblins with Socks in Their Pants**_

Bog them. That is a perfectly good way to ruin socks.

_**Stupid Sparkling Vampires**_

Amusing Characters, although I do much prefer Dracula and those like him. They are much more respectable, I feel.

_I suppose it is dangerous, introducing the Goblin King to Fanfic. I can't imagine him to be Tech-savvy. A special thanks are extended to Sylistra The Scholar, who asked for his opinion on many things. If you want the Goblin king's Opinion, he would, well, not appreiciate it, he's not good at that, but he'd certainly offer his humble opinion._

To paraphrase Samuel Vimes, _Men at Arms, A novel of Discworld, _I'm wondering if there _is_ a such a thing as a humble opinion.


	3. SPECIAL

**!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Special Addition Here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!** Asked listings shall come in the next addition! But don't worry…He's seen them…

"_Ah, more Fan mail, I expect?"_

*Sigh*_ "That's one way to put it, I suppose."_

"_What does this mean?"_

*Taking Paper*_ "Um… Camera phones are like, um… Cameos involving phones."_

"_Odd thing to say then. What does this Slyistra mean by 'Fluff Mullet'?"_

"_Um, your hair, I guess. I don't know. I haven't read that one yet. But, yeah, probably your hair, sire."_

"_I shall take note of these questions then."_

"_For the last time sire, these aren't questions! They want your opinion!"_

"_So they are asking for them?"_

*Trying to not yell*_ "No, sire, they are not. They are demanding them, in a very polite tone of voice."_

"_Foolish girl child."_

"_Call me that one more time and I swear to the Labyrinth I'll, I'll-"_

"_You'll what?" _*Amused Expression on his face*

"_I will wish myself away, Jareth. To the goblin city. And you won't have met one single goblin more annoying than I can be!"_

*Goblin King Flinches*_ "Understood."_

* Not entirely satisfied* _"Good. Now, I won't have you answer that fan mail until the one after this posting, but just be thinking about it, okay? And please stop trying to be insulting!"_

"_Well, how much fun is that?"_

*Taking out bundle of DVD's and CD's* _"look, just listen to these, and tell me what you think."_

_**The Goblin King offers His Opinion on…**_

_**Musicals!**_

_**Phantom Of the Opera**_

I feel a kinship towards The Phantom; both of us have been spurned by our loves.

_**Wicked**_

I feel I could played Fiyero with ease. We both look amazingly good and have all the girls running after us.

_**Evita**_

However much this poor women went through, it is not as though she ever had to put up with goblins.

_**Jesus Christ Superstar**_

How awful to be betrayed by your followers. Thankfully, the goblins don't have the intelligence to do anything like that to me.

_**Cats**_

Macavity sound like an interesting character and Mistoffolie's part was too easy. The Magic stuns were pitiful.

_**Les Miserable**_

What a dreadful waste of that child. I could have found a use for him.

_**Repo The Generic Opera**_

It was rather, er, gory, wasn't it?

_**Mary Poppins**_

supercalifragilisticexpialidocious covers it, I believe.

_**The South Pacific**_

How ever nice a story, the music lines, 'Gonna wash that man right out of my hair', do not make sense to me. Why does she have a man in her hair?

_**The lion king**_

I fail to understand the plot of this musical. Why are half naked people dancing pretending to be animals? Have they gone insane?

_**Musicals**_

An interesting to waste time, if one is a goblin.


	4. Chapter 4

_Here's a new list too, I think I'll post on Halloween-_

_How amusing._

_Bite me Jareth._

_Hmm? I'm sorry, did you say something? I was just reading this book._

_You have a lot of fangirls wanting opinions, King._

_They'll just have to wait, won't they?_

_NO!_*Ripping Book out of hands*_ They can't. You may have all of eternity-_

*notes of Underground start up*

_It's only forever, not long at all..._

_JARETH!_

_Don't tell me truth hurts little girl, cause it hurts like hell_

*Start to scream, very loudly*

_Down in the underground, you'll find someone true_

_I don't have time for this!_

_Down in the under ground, waiting for you..._

*Throwing book at Jareth, Music stops abruptly* _Quit it!_

_You only had to say._

_Answer these. NOW._

_**The Goblin King Offers His Opinion On...**_

_**Same-sex Marriage**_I hear this is a touchy subject. So long as there is foolish teens to wish away younger siblings, I am happy.

_**Cigarettes**_

I am told they are a good way to kill yourself. Or was it to get yourself killed? Either way, I've introduced the goblins to them.

_**Punk Rock Music**_

I do believe that this noise cannot be compared to the real rock music of the eighties.

_**Politics**_

I believe in one man, one vote. Seeing as I'm the man, I've got the vote.*

_**The Middle East**_

It is Nat's favorite continent. All that gasoline...

_**Technology**_

I plan on refraining from using it as much as possible. It seems like a poor form of cheating.

_**Hairspray**_

I do not use that much, despite the rumors.

_**RPG's**_

I find Grenades rather useful, actually. Or did you mean the games?

_**The French Language**_

A useful thing to use if you only have a good accent.

_**Red Lipstick**_

A useless thing to have on the ground of the Labyrinth

_**Goth Subculture**_

It's very nice I suppose. There's quite a bit of black though, isn't there?

_**Oreos**_

It is a good thing that who ever invented these wonderful treats was never wished away. These treats would not have been invented, and both the worlds would have been lost.

_**Television**_

An amusing, if a bit useless invention. I wonder how long it would entertain the goblins.

_**Pirate vs. Ninja**_

The pirate has a style of fighting that can be called underhanded, sneaky, and not fair. I applaud them._**Vampire vs. Werewolf**_

Vampire, of course. They have a sense of style that, holding myself as an exclusion, is unparalleled._**Fangirls that make fun of your tights**_

They are not tights. Little girls wear tights. I am wearing _leggings_, which are obviously much cooler and more stylish than tights._**The term fluff mullet**_Is this an attempt to insult my hair?

_**historians who believe him to be nothing but myth**_

I'm supposing they're only siblings who weren't wished away. If someone does wish them away, I suppose I could prove to them that I'm real.

_**chocolate vanilla rice or tapioca**_

Chocolate pudding is always the best, because of what it alludes to.

_**cotton or polyester**_

I'm not quiet sure. I can't remember wearing any of these.

_**silk or satin**_

Silk for clothes and satin for sheets is always the best way to go about making hard choices like that.

_**black or white**_

I like to wear both, because all colors look amazing on me.

_**pink or red**_

Red. I don't care if real men wear pink. I am a real Goblin King, therefore more manly than any of them, wearing pink or not.

_**is it tomato or tomahto**_

If you speak proper British English, and not this lazy Americanized English one would know it is spelled tomato, but pronounced tomahto.

_**toby or sarah**_

Well, Toby was more fun to dance with, but Sarah is so much prettier than him. She's also more amusing with her "It's not fair!" I know, Sarah. That's all the fun of it.

_**The high court**_

They'd do better with me in command.

_**brothers or sisters **_

Sisters are much more fun to have run the Labyrinth, because they are so much braver. You also don't get that many That's What he/she/they Said jokes.

_**which one wishes away the other more often**_Girls do, surprisingly. I don't have many Girl Goblins.

_**sultry looks**_

I suppose that when they are directed at me, they are well deserved.

_**Strutting**_

They only real way to walk with the proper amount of imperiousness.

_**amazingly tight pants**_

They are so much fun to wear, and accentuate my muscles much better than khakis.

_**Gun Control**_

It really does depend, doesn't it? How ever, unless I'm having the goblins defend the city, they are never allowed to have them.

_**Halloween **_

It is amazing how people dress up as the things that scare them or impress them the most just to walk around collecting sweets that rot their teeth_**Jewelry**_I personally do not need to wear it, but if I did, I suppose that the ugliest bronze would turn into the most beautiful cold.

* _I showed him one of the quotes about the Patrician of Ankh-Morpork. Jareth took to the phrase right away and demanded to be introduced to Havelock. I handed him my library card and didn't see him until i was called to drag him away from the large pile of Discworld books the goblins had stolen from other libraries._


End file.
